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This morning I woke up and didn’t quite feel like myself. Sure, my throat was sore and my nose was a little stuffy, but beyond that, there was this ache in my chest. I felt unworthy. I felt hesitant. I felt, for lack of a better description, just off.
I don’t know if that ever happens to you—you’re fine one minute, and then next you’re thinking about all the ways you don’t measure up, or comparing yourself to the pictures and people around you, or suddenly telling yourself that you aren’t enough—but there I was, feeling all sorts of disconnected with myself, my spirit, my God.
I wanted to just close my eyes and restart. I wanted to take a long walk to clear my head. I wanted to do something, anything to stop thinking about all the things I wasn’t doing right. I wanted to hide my mess—from everyone around me, from God, from even myself—pretend it wasn’t happening, so that I didn’t feel so damn awful.
But then I remembered the truth about my loving Father: He sees me. He sees my mess, my pain, my insecurity, my doubt. And He loves me in spite of those things. Just as He does for you.
Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in the things of this world. We want to be the best, have the best, look the best, feel the best. We expect nothing less than perfection—in ourselves, in the people we love, in the things we do. And we spend so much time chasing this ideal that we forget to slow down and remember how ‘enough’ we truly have and are.
We’re chasing, running, fighting against everything trying to make sense of our purpose and identity and goals. And sometimes we dizzy ourselves in circles, so much so, that we forget it’s okay to not be the best or have everything figured out. It’s okay to just be, to slow down, to take it one day at a time.
And that’s where I’m at right now—comparing, over-thinking, feeling like I have to do and be so much more than where and who I am, or that I have to do it all alone. But that’s not true.
Our worth is not based upon what we’ve obtained or conquered, or where we stand in comparison to someone next to us. Our worth is in our Heavenly Father.
It doesn’t matter if I haven’t figured out where I’m going yet, or exactly what I want to do. It’s okay if my purpose is still this confusing question I mull over late at night. It’s okay if I’m still searching, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes, wondering what it all means.We’re not supposed to be perfect—we’re human. But I think, sometimes, we forget that. I think, sometimes, we try to shoulder everything, take on everything, be everything instead of remembering that Jesus has already carried our burdens for us. And there’s nothing that we can do or say to undo His never-ending love for us.
It’s funny, because I spent the larger half of this morning feeling like I was a mess. I was doubting my purpose, doubting God’s strength, feeling ‘off’ instead of focusing on all that I have. How exhausting. But the truth of the matter is that God already knew, already saw those worries on my heart. He already knew I would dizzy myself in circles, comparing and nit-picking instead of praying and letting Him speak truth to me.
And that’s the funny thing about faith, isn’t it? We think it gets easier. But the truth is, no matter how ‘good’ of a Christian we try to be, it’s still hard as hell to trust, to let go, to let Him.
But God sees your mess. He sees the days you wake up with doubt, the nights you drown your mind with self-hate. He sees your mistakes and moments of failure. And yet, none of those things ever change the way He feels about you.
You are His child. And no amount of doubt or mess will change that.
He longs for you to reach towards Him. To take comfort in His word. To trust, even when the world is spinning in circles. To let go of what you can’t control and know that at the end of the day He’s fighting for you. And you never have to battle alone.
Marissa Donelly