We live in sexually enlightened and empowered times, which means how we behave toward others is under more scrutiny than ever. But contrary to what some sexist dinosaurs will tell you, this doesn’t mean the art of flirting is dead. Oh no! Flirtatiousness does not equal creepiness, so if you were doing flirting right before, the chances are you don’t have to change a thing.
Online
The internet was invented for flirting. Think of the ways apps get you to show you’re interested: likes, nudges, hearts, pokes even. They’re like your best friend who wants to get you laid, showing you toward the object of your affection. Trouble is, they can’t hold your hand, and invariably you’ll have to do the talking yourself. Uh-oh.
First, use your own photo. Forget anime cats or football jerseys, to keep things creep-free, we need the face. Using your real name helps too – or at least a username that doesn’t make you sound like a serial killer or a fascist.
When approaching – via DMs or inbox and not on the timeline – make sure they’re already aware of your existence. Either they follow you, have interacted with you, or on a dating app, have liked you back using whatever cheesy, saccharine symbol the platform allows. Bolts out of the blue say you made some hasty aesthetic judgment and want to get straight in there. Your flirting will go better if they think there’s a chance of a connection.
Social media with video, for example, Instagram stories, can build up a rapport if you tailor content to the person you’re interested in. If they interact a lot or react specifically to something you’ve done, do more of it – remember you can select who sees your stories. Just don’t be filthy. There’s nothing wrong with a thirst trap or two, as long as it’s not X-rated and overtly just for them. If they do not react to personalised thirst traps whatsoever – or stop watching them – you may have misfired. Rethink.
When chatting over DM, stay light, avoiding salacious comments, dirty jokes and clumsy propositioning. If your aim is to get a date, don’t wreck it with “hot pics” or saying they made you hard (this rarely works). “Hey, I’ve been a fan of your tweets for a while and wondered if you fancied meeting for coffee?” is probably enough. If they say no thanks, take the L. If they’re vague about when this is probably a no but they don’t want to upset you. Bow out with a “Cool, let me know when you’re free sometimes. No worries if not.”
If you’re after a wank buddy over the camera, or a hookup, fine – but be upfront about it without distressing them. No unsolicited dick pics, no videos. Read the room, and their feed, and ask yourself if that’s honestly the kind of message they’d like to receive. Don’t be offended if they block you.
Be patient about things moving to meet-up stage. An online persona is a shield; some are reluctant to let their guard down. Almost everyone online thinks they’re much duller in real life. Play on that a little; convince them they’re not. Let the conversation flow until you know each other more. Show an interest, talk about what you’ve done and apply it to their lives. If you’re worried your interest might be seen as friendship only, be open and ask if they’re dating, and what their thoughts on this are.
Our relationship with the internet has swung between “It’s OK to trust everybody” and “The world is full of liars” at least a dozen times in the last five years alone – it’s natural to be cautious. Respect that.
In person
It depends where you are. I’d always say flirting in the gym is a no-no. There’s a reason some women tend to work out alone in a corner – they don’t want to talk to you. Plus, the gym is unsexy. We’re grunting, sweating and trying not to fall over doing squats; to be appraised like a prize cow at an auction really doesn’t help. Also: it stinks in there.
At work, too, is dodgy. As romantic as falling in love with the CEO might sound in that paperback you found on the train, things get confusing when your professional life is punctuated by awkward flirting at the coffee machine. Save it for the Christmas party.
So, let’s say you’re in a bar, and, by some miracle, the music is subdued enough for you to have a conversation with someone. Standing at the bar is the best place for this – in a corner, alone, nursing your pint, not so much. Eye contact and a smile seem obvious, but they’ll get your attention before you approach or, if they’re standing right next to you ordering a double Archer’s and Appetizer, start a conversation. You don’t need awful chat-up lines or pickup scripts: “Hi” will do.
Your smile – grin only if they say something funny – should be maintained throughout. Unless you’re midway through a raging cold sore attack, always draw attention to your mouth. This helps them decide whether to want to kiss you. I’m not suggesting pulling a rubbery face but perhaps touch your chin occasionally, let you glass linger by your mouth a little and run your tongue over your teeth a couple of times. Basically, your mouth should be very much a look at my zone. It’s OK to break eye contact a couple of times – it gives them chance to check you out while you look away and show off your profile – but limit it, bringing it back to them within seconds.
There’s a school of thought that says touching them is good. It depends. If you brush against each other or your arms or legs are touching naturally, sure, but no groping, thank you. Touch their arm maybe but see how they react before going in again. If they touch you back it’s a good sign. Show them your best attributes by running your hand over your neck, chest or arms to draw attention to them. Just light touches will do; it’s not a sexual massage.
Listen, listen, listen. Nobody ever listens. Endless replies of “yeah, cool” and no substance. Boo! Listen to what they’re saying; refer to it later, asking questions. It isn’t hard. Follow up with a few lighthearted jokes – again, easy on the filth until you can read their reaction – and let them in on it. Don’t try to be funnier, or make them the butt of the joke. Looking into the crowd and picking out a few people to comment on can work – as long as it’s not mean-spirited, or their mother.
Compliments are good if they are vague yet honest. Say you like their outfit – don’t ask where it’s from – and their hair. People tend to like being complimented on their eyes, so if they recoil from that they’re either not interested in you or are fully aware they have eyes like the Krampus.
Finally, take things further by asking if they’d like to do something sometime. If you’ve been listening carefully, you’ll have picked up on their interests. Use this to propose your next meeting, be it a particular restaurant, club night, or event.
If it’s a no, it’s a no. The best way to show someone what they’re missing is to leave them with a good impression rather than berate them – so take a bow, wish them a brilliant evening, and walk away, never letting the smile slip for a second. You never know who’s watching.
GQ