If we were to look at relationships and strip it of any complications and any thoughts about what it should be, we would look at relationships as they happen naturally. In doing so, we can find freedom from any anxiety regarding dating, courting, and even friendship and family.
The point of a relationship is two people asking each other to be here. There’s Person 1, Person 2 and a third entity called the relationship. Most of us are never specific about what is expected from the other person. It’s implied. While this can cause problems, this is but one reason problems exist. Nevertheless, there is an understanding that these two people will fuel this third entity, the relationship.
With that said, does this mean that Person 1 will fuel the relationship until their death? No. Does that mean that Person 2 will fuel the relationship until their death? No. Therefore, one should not be expecting that that will happen.
Does it mean that either Person 1 or 2 will be consistently good at feeding the relationship? No.
Does it mean that either Person 1 or 2 will be any good at feeding the relationship? No.
Furthermore, why would anyone agree to such terms? I mean, sure, we do it in marriage all the time. But I would suggest we stop. Why? Because to err is human and you will mess up. Also, as Lillian Hellman cutely wrote, “People change and forget to tell each other.”
But ultimately, we should stop because when we strip a relationship down to its bare bones, no one would think that having a relationship implies that either person will feed the relationship forever. It just means that the two people are feeding it right now.
There is an expectation that things will follow a particular course. You expect to be friends forever because over time you grew to be best friends. You expect to be married until death because the connection was so rich when you two first met.
You think you’re going to be different from the billions of relationships that were similar to yours but failed. No, you got the secret wisdom. You got the juice. Your parents didn’t know what they were doing, but you do.
You’re so smart.
But then you live a little and realise you’re just as dumb (and maybe even dumber).
It’s not an easy lesson but one must stop thinking about what a relationship should be. Of course, ensure you keep your self-respect and don’t let others hurt you. But your expectations will be the death of you (and your relationship).
One must also realise why would anyone have such lofty expectations in the first place? I believe you’re trying to get the love that you aren’t giving to yourself from someone else. Seriously, who on the face of this earth can promise to always be there, to love you no matter what and to have your best interest at heart? We can’t even do that for ourselves!
When I’m reading and I mispronounce a word, I roll my eyes in derision. That isn’t loving. How do I know? Because if someone I love did that, I would feel horrible. I’d say, “Hey, I just made a mistake, okay? Why did you have to react like that? I’m not perfect.” Or maybe I’d say nothing at all and just… I know… feel horrible.
But no, it’s totally fine when I do it to myself, right? I don’t feel the sting of condemnation. Actually, it feels kind of good to put me down. And yet, I don’t do that to other people unless I resent them at that moment and want to discredit them. It’s not a nice thing but I make mistakes and try to do better.
Our relationships with ourselves are so out of wack, and I know I don’t know the depths of how bad it is because it is so covert. Why am I thinking bad things are going to happen to me? Why can’t I trust my own judgment? Why do I never go for exactly what I want? Why am I trying to get someone to do these things for me? Because someone has to boost my self-esteem. Lord knows I won’t do it. I don’t even know how.
Here’s how:
1. Go to a bathroom mirror, say your name and say “I love you.” It’s the most awkward thing ever, but that’s the point. Why the hell should that be awkward? If you think it’s conceited, then saying I love you to your kid is conceited. Saying “I accept you for who you are” is not conceit. It just feels weird because you don’t have a relationship with yourself, or you just have a bad one. Maybe you can try saying “I accept you for who you are” instead since it’s more concrete and specific. Really mean it.
2. Watch everything you say, do and think. If it is not loving, stop doing it and replace it with a loving word, action or thought.
3. In any given moment, you can ask yourself, “What would someone who loved themselves do right now?” Go do it.
4. Sit in a room by yourself and just focus on how you’re feeling. This is painful, this is boring but it’s revolutionary. Marcel Proust famously wrote, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” When you do this, you will learn who you really are. Then continue to do this when you’re doing anything and everything. You will always be with yourself and never in that offline reactionary state.
It’s so funny that people love being with people who are like them but don’t like hanging out with themselves. Dude, you are the most you that you will ever find. You are who you’ve been looking for. You say you want an externalized you to hang out with? Aren’t you the externalized you? And don’t conflate this with sex. Again, if you strip that down to its basics, that’s due to attraction.
Also, some of us really like being alone but that’s usually when we’ve had enough of everyone else. We’ve had our fill of people and now we need alone time. You see? You’re like those people who date losers who want you superficially and then go back to the person you know loves you. Plus, we aren’t spending time with ourselves as much as we’re thinking and distracting ourselves.
The more you learn who you really are, the harder it is to crave external love. Instead of seeking it, you simply give it, realizing that the only way you could be giving love, is if you already had it.
You never got love from anyone external. You got it from you.
“But what about my parents loving me when I was a baby? That’s eternal love.”
Yeah, they loved you but if you had a tumour resting on a specific part of your brain (or were a demon), you would never experience it. The whole world could be showering you with kisses and playing a Blue’s Clues/Dora the Explorer/Backyardigans six-hour crossover-over episode but if you didn’t have the capacity to love, their gestures are lost.
Furthermore, if you couldn’t love them but they still loved you, where do you think that love comes from? When you do something mean to someone and they still extend their love to you, where do you think that love comes from? When you like someone but they don’t feel the same way but you still adore them, where do you think that love comes from?
Sure as hell wasn’t external.