“What’s the most important advice you’d tell someone before they get married?”
Sipping my coffee, I grin over the lip of the mug. “Don’t have a profile photo that makes you look like you plan to eat babies.”
Before my wife ever gave me the time of day, she de-friended me on Facebook over the fact my profile photo creeped her out. When I initially reached out to see if she wanted to grab lunch, I got the infamous ban hammer because she thought I “looked like a UFC fighter that planned to eat a baby.”
We tell that story often when people ask how we met, but what most young couples want to know is how we continue to keep the flame lit in our marriage. I’m not particularly romantic (I’m kind of terrible if we’re being honest. I look up date ideas on the internet) and my wife is the polar opposite of me regarding cleaning. I’m OCD and she’s comfortable having the bedroom look like a clothing grenade exploded.
We ruthlessly tease one another, but when the two of us speak about our marriage (despite its numerous flaws and arguments) we love to sing each other’s praises. These days we help mentor couples looking to get married as well as provide counseling and recovery to individuals. Because of this, a question we’re asked almost monthly is the one I started this article with: “What’s the most important advice you’d tell someone before they get married?”
Here’s what we’d tell you.
1. Marriage Is a Covenant, Not a Contract
Recently, a talented writer named Kris Gage asked, “Does Marriage Even Make Sense Anymore?” She explained how Western societies make the individual’s happiness the ultimate value, and so marriage becomes primarily an experience of romantic fulfillment (or a tax benefit). Her thesis aptly pointed out that, “No, it makes little sense anymore.”
People were shocked when they found out I agreed with her (especially given my faith). I’m not by any means advocating people shouldn’t get married as I believe it’s still the best route, but it makes little sense these days because the way we view marriage is toxic. Getting married these days is like having a relationship with your internet service provider. “As long as you keep providing the internet, I’ll keep paying.” Far too often we treat marriage the same — a formal contract based on happiness or some legal benefit. “As long as we have sex, the bills are paid, and I’m happy, I’ll stay with you.”
When you view marriage through that lens it becomes transactional, and when one party isn’t paying the bill — game over. every. damn. time. Funny enough, what Kris describes as an ideal relationship is the traditional belief behind what a marriage should be: a covenant.
A covenant’s basis stems from the Judeo-Christian faith background and where we get our modern day vows a couple recites at their wedding ceremony. “For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” This ideal gained popularity under the Christian belief system as the faith spread across the globe. In effect, what Christians believe (though they often don’t) is that God loves you and stays beside you in a covenant relationship whether or not you’re falling short. Marriages are to emulate this principal in the Christian faith tradition.
Thus, a covenant is not a legal contract that lays out terms, but a mutual understanding that regardless of performance, you’re still all in. It’s a love that understands that the essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment to the good of the other. It unites not just duty and passion, but emotions and promise.
If you walk into a marriage treating it like a consumer relationship or make it about what you get out of the relationship, you’re doomed from the beginning. It’s not about your needs, it’s about mutual service and submission to one another’s needs.
2. Marriage Will Intensify Your Problems, Not Fix Them
One of my friends lived with his fiancée for a few years before getting married. Prior to their nuptials, he informed me he didn’t think things would change much since they were pretty much doing all the things married couples do (living together, joint bank accounts, etc). I explained there were scientific and psychological downsides to cohabitation and that marriage puts all your problems under a microscope and intensifies them. I explained that — at the moment — they were just fantastic roommates who got along and hooked up. But once the mental switch of “forever” came into the mix and more flaws popped up? That’s the perfect storm.
A year into his marriage he called me with the news he and his wife were on their way to counseling.
“You were right about that microscope thing. Little issues became giants storms and the things we brushed off while dating and engaged now drive us nuts. To be honest, we’re about to split.”
I was proud he and his wife realized there were problem areas they needed to work out, and their marriage weathered the storm.
Far too often we think by spending enough time with another person those inconsistencies and flaws will get smoothed out. But once you realize you might have to deal with them forever? It’s easy to get cynical, bitter, jaded, and angry. The person you marry at the altar that day will be the same person forty years from now, so don’t delude yourself. Sure, improvement is necessary for any relationship to thrive, but those flaws you’re ignoring and think you might change or marriage will somehow fix? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BRAH.
Prime example: I used to think my wife’s messiness was cute, and that she was just an irresponsible college kid. Once we got married, she’d want to nest and keep the house clean (I can hear some of you laughing already). While my wife has gotten better about keeping the house clean, she’ll never be the level of military OCD clean I’d prefer her to be at. It’s not her nature. If she had her way, she’d have maids to pick up after her mess and never wash another dish in her life. That’s my definition of hell, however.
So if you walk into a marriage thinking little things won’t become big things, or you don’t learn how to compromise and communicate? FailureVille is around the corner and waiting.
3. Get Your Crap Together Before You Get Married, Because Your Past Will Come Back To Haunt You
A friend told me that once he got married his porn problem would go away because they’d be having sex more often.
I laughed straight in his face.
His porn problem didn’t go away. Instead it wreaked havoc in his marriage.
Point #3 is the one I hammer home the most with young people who ask my advice regarding preparation for marriage. More often than not I tell them this simple phrase:
“Spend the time now becoming the type of person you’d want to date or marry.”
If you have issues plaguing you, then spend the time — prior to ever getting married — healing and growing. The amount of conflict and grief you’ll save yourself with be worth the investment.
What that looks like in practical terms is this: Do you struggle with feelings of abandonment because of absent parents growing up? You’ll struggle with that in marriage and worry your spouse will do the same. Do you deal with feelings of worthlessness or have a hard time finding purpose? In marriage, if you put your self-worth on your spouse or look to them for purpose, you’ll always be let down. Do you notice pride or selfishness in your life? Those character defects will shine like a nuclear mushroom cloud in your home.
Spend time now getting into counseling, 12-Steps, reading personal growth books, living in community, or choosing healthier friends. Not only will you grow in knowledge, wisdom, and character, but you’ll pick healthier people to date (and marry) too.
While knowing and practicing these three points won’t guarantee a stellar marriage (there are always other factors at play), they will prepare you and make you a healthier person in the long run. You’ll be less apt to fall into an emotionally toxic relationship based solely on emotions and you’ll grow as a person.
So while I can’t promise a bright and happy future, I can tell you one thing that will come out of implementing some of these points: Your future self will thank you.
Source : Benjamin Sledge