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Stop telling self-deprecating jokes about how you want to kill yourself and how you are going to die alone.
You can say they are only jokes, you can act like you are only saying such depressing things because it’s your personal brand of humor and it makes your friends laugh — but you know that is not the complete truth.
You are laughing about how much you hate yourself with your friends, but when you go home, you think those same thoughts and it is definitely not a joke. It is how you really feel. You feel worthless. You feel lonely. You feel afraid. You feel lost. You feel directionless.
When you make jokes about having no friends and having no purpose and looking like a piece of crap, you are expressing yourself through humor.
You are saying the things you genuinely feel and framing it like a joke because that is more socially acceptable. Because if you laugh about it then you won’t have to cry about it.
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Maybe none of this is true for you. Maybe you have a healthy relationship with yourself and a dark sense of humor. That could certainly be the case. But maybe you are hiding your raw feelings behind humor. Maybe you should stop joking about the horrible things that have happened to you as a coping mechanism and get real help for your problems.
You can overcome your demons. You can experience happiness again. But in order for that to happen, you have to place yourself first. You have to practice self-care. You have to give yourself mental health days. You have to search for a therapist. You have to decide that you do matter, that you are worth the effort it takes to get better.
Stop acting like you are a piece of shit because you are a valuable human being. Your life has worth. You are loved. You matter more than you know.
Even though you joke about wanting to die, you have a million reasons to live. You have so much left to experience. You are going to reach success. You are going to laugh until your sides ache. One day, you are going to be able to say you are proud of yourself and how far you have come, how much you have grown.
Even though you joke about how you don’t have any friends, there are plenty of people who care about you. There are family members, coworkers, neighbors, and friends of friends who genuinely enjoy your company. They like being around you, despite what you have told yourself about annoying them.
Even though you joke about how long you’ve been single and how you are going to be alone forever, there is someone out there who will see your beauty. They will love you, flaws and all. They will make sure you never feel alone again.
You can laugh about how much you hate yourself as much as you want — as long as, at the end of the day, the jokes are not actually true. As long as you see the value hidden within you.